“Lake is very charming, even when he is not.”

“I’m so hot! Whew. Maybe I should take the heating pad off.”

“Lake had several visitors today. Several walking buddies. We’re developing this pattern where after I feed him, really good, and change, we stuff him in the sling. Then Nana takes him out for two hours so I can sleep. We both sleep for two hours. Nana got three walks in today. They walked with Laura Ng in the morning to Gasworks Park. And Lake got to go up to the Ave with cousin Laura and check out the scene, and came home with some takeout from Thai Tom’s.”

“Looks like he’s a lady’s man!  You know what they say about tiny babies with big feet! They like to eat, so they can grow into them just like puppies.”

“There’s a spit up coming on, Lake. You think you’re just a bottomless pit but you’re not!”

“I just have one final joke about breastfeeding. You know you’re in deep when dried spit up and breast milk leaks in your hair.. And you decide that it is giving it texture and body.”

Well baby.

Rebozo scale.

“Yeah! You’re ready for some foodies! Just grab onto my foot and I’ll pull you right over!”

“Hey sweetheart, it’s been a long time. You got your milks.”

“Nana’s your good buddy, huh?  You guys are adventure buddies. You go on your adventures.”

“Look at my little milk friend! Oh my goodness, let’s get that in there! There you go, that was a good chomp!”

“Got to be careful what I say now, I’m on the record.”

“You know you’re in deep for beastfeeding when your nipple cream doubles as your face cream.”

Late night.

“He was born Sunday… I don’t know. It hasn’t been Thursday night yet. This was his third night total. His third night of life.”

“After getting through his third night of life I was paging the midwife for a weight check, anxious about his dropping weight. Midwife Carly came by to do an “emergency” check up for the fretful mom. Knowing that he was only getting colostrum and working so hard for it made me anxious that he was going to dedicate, shrivel up, and die. I drank several gallons of lactation tea.

Carly weighed him in at 6 lb 10 oz, with the rebozo scale (it’s really cool), representing 9% loss since his birth weight, of 7 lb 3.4 oz. He was still in the safety zone, but it was tough being his new mummy and watching him dip while he worked so hard. His third night of life he fed continuously for all but two hours. He breast fed alllll night, and slept from 4 to 6 am.

You’ve got to be careful what you wish for, because after all that the, when the milk came in, owie! Now that the milk’s in, he no longer has to be a marathon nurser, and it’s sweet to see his look of contentment after even just 10 minutes of the wet breast.”

“That’s the look! Thaat’s the look! We keep going. Open open open open.”

Cat life goes on.

“I’m glad that you’re such a good walker, Lake. That was my plan that you would be a good walker. If I don’t want to walk in our neighborhood, well, we have a car seat, we could take him anywhere!”

“$200,000 was too steep so here’s what you get: a dirty neighborhood to walk in at two in the morning. A crime ridden neighborhood.”

“My little snoozer. I’m going to start calling you Sleeper Agent. Maybe that will rub off.”

“What are we gonna do about getting you some food, honey!”

(Breast feeding) “mmmmmfff. ooooooooohh.” “Look at your nose! Your nose gets all kind of smushed.”

“It’s a good thing to start out the day in a wet diaper!”

“It was not really that bad in retrospect, he suckled for 4 hours, and slept for 2 hours. But during that period of time it’s the thoughts that really get you. It wasn’t as bad as the night before when I was envisioning my psychiatric admit, and planning his adoption by my brother and sister in-law. But the thoughts can be pretty dark in the middle of the night. I thought that I could see his fontanels, worrying that he’s gettting more and more dehydrated and weak waiting for my milk to come in. I’d be feeding him and I’d fall asleep. I just couldn’t stay awake. I tried any number of different things: lying in bed feeding him, sitting up on the sofa feeding him, trying to lie him down in his Moses basket. I think predominantly I was on the sofa with the light on so that if he popped off I could ensure that he got a good relatch. I cozied the comforter around me so it was kind of like I was in bed.”

“He looks worried. He does! Stop typing!”

A disused basket.

“Can we think of anything else to do besides suckle? Rub our nose? That’s good. Chew on our fist? That’s good.”

Ahoy! It’s a boy!

(Breast-feeding) “Ow. Insert funny joke here.”

“I feel like this could go better next time, like ‘Tollllleeeeee, it’s time to feed Laaaaaake.”

“We got clearance for discharge this morning from both of our doctors: the pediatrician and the OB attending. Neither of us looked like we were likely to imminently contract or die of sepsis from the prolonged rupture of membranes prior to his birth. We had been 64 hours since the water broke until he was delivered.

It’s difficult being on the other side of the discharge waiting game process. We had clearance but we still needed a second bilirubin screen and for it to come back within normal limits. Then we had to go through ‘how not to kill your baby’ two or three times, with different forms to sign. I melted into tears as the last straw, the car seat our generous friend had given us, was a tad too large for Lake’s tiny frame. We had no idea of how long he would be when he was born, and we had not planned to drive him home from the hospital when he was 48 hours old; we had been planning a home birth. So my Mama Bear defenses quickly rose up and I was ready to leave AMA!

The staff at Northwest Hospital had been so supportive especially Ali Lewis, MD, our rockstar on-call physician who delivered him. But after an endless parade nursing shifts, and not having been able to appreciate being outside for three days at home and two days inpatient, I was on the verge of developing ‘ICU induced delirium’ (This was my bad joke at the time, but the poor lady was just about done -ed). It was a relief to step outside, and I wept as my emotions overwhelmed me. My mom was driving us home. Times have changed: we safely arrived home while joking and reminiscing about the crib on the floor in the back of the VW van that my parents had brought me home in 38 years prior. As I excitedly and proudly gave Lake his welcome home tour, and introduced him to Mr Cat and Mr Silky, he fell asleep before the tour was halfway over. I guess it was his way of telling me that he already had been living here for 41 weeks and he was glad to be back home. We both were.”

Hello little baby.

Name: Lake Odin VanLaanen
Birthday: 5/29/16 @ 1709
Height and weight: 20 inches, 7lb and 3.4oz

“My thoughts are this: I might just edit this away, but for now: a lot of people talk about how miraculous birth is. I would not have chosen the experience myself, however, being hellbent on not having a surgical delivery, and being he seemed like he was getting pretty big to stay inside, really only left me with the one option. Keep going and push him out, strange as that was.”

“I feel broken in half and like I’ve been run over by a truck. Makes it hard to enjoy the wonder of being a new mother in the way I imagined where you can totally focus on the baby. In contrast, it was so easy to cuddle with him when he was in utero and I was all healthy. But here we are: we made it to the present moment: he’s born, and I’m recovering. He’s sleeping on my chest and the sun’s filtering through the blinds. The pediatrician just came in and said that he has time to figure everything out, just like I do.”

“We are blessed. We had an amazing birth team. Every single person contributed to the success of the birthday, and although I was continually filled with self-doubt, and wishing that I could do better during the birth process, the overwhelming feedback that was so encouraging was that I was doing a very good job and really strong (this is true, she was amazing -ed).”

“I want to say something about my husband. Who stayed with me during the entire three day birthathon. He was present and centered with me, calm, supportive and glowing with love. When I was struggling, I could look into his eyes and he would be looking at me in all those ways, and coach me: to breathe, and believe in myself. Because he was believing in me.”